101 WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR ROOMMATE 1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally. 2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. 3. Twitch a lot. 4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. 5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. 6. Become a sub-genius. 7. Inject his/her Twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG. 8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin. 9. Speak in tongues. 10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling. 11. Walk and talk backwards. 12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them. 13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye." 14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly. 15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench). 16. Collect all your urine in a small jug. 17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food. 18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are. 19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." 20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to smoke fish heads in them. 21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened. 22. Eat glass. 23. Smoke ballpoint pens. 24. Smile. All the time. 25. Collect dog manure in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate. 26. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously. 27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Ho's in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you. 28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances. 29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns. 30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly. 31. Dye all your underwear lime green. 32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim. 33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet. 34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it. 35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due). 36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty. 37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks. 38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them. 39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley. 40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with, "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative. 41. Shave one eyebrow. 42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bed-frame. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently. 43. Put horseradish in your shoes. 44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want. 45. Always flush the toilet three times. 46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often. 47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania0... Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class. 48. Give him/her an allowance. 49. Listen to radio static. 50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up. 51. Stare into space. Give off peals of high-pitched laughter at random intervals. 52. Put "Helter Skelter" by the Beatles on infinite repeat on your CD player. 53. Whenever your roommate starts to talk to you, say, "wait a minute". Then, take out a tape recorder. Record all of your conversations with them. Play your favorite passages back often, while offering commentary on their performance. 54. Chew on the carpet. 55. Receive phone messages from characters from fairy tales; for example, Little Red Riding Hood, The Big Bad Wolf, Hansel & Gretel, The Little Engine That Could. 56. Pretend to actually BE one of these characters. 57. Play a game of solitaire with twelve decks of cards and one flyswatter. 58. Show slides of recent vacations that you never took. 59. Open the window. Stick your head out. Look around. Close the window. Repeat every two minutes for one hour. Deny that anything unusual is going on. 60. Leave a mint on his/her pillow every morning after they make their bed. 61. Pretend to have Tourette's syndrome. 62. De-alphabetize things. 63. Memorize and recite passages from Finnegan's Wake. 64. Use a tape measure to discover your roommate's head size. 65. Eat bugs. 66. Buy Play-do. Perform voodoo rituals with it. 67. Roll up twenty-dollar bills. Snort sugar with them. 68. Shout "It can't be the drugs, I haven't taken any." 69. Convert to Rastafarianism. 70. Play with matches. 71. Play with Jello. Use a feather duster and/or Cuisinart as needed. 72. Demand protection money from him/ her. 73. Make long lists constantly. Number all entries as #73. 74. Incite Deja vu. 75. Join the Hells Angels. 76. Put your beds together. 77. Dip coffee. 78. Aerobicize. At 4:00 AM. 79. Buy a skinned sheep's head. Hide it in his/her sheets. 80. Walk on the ceiling. 81. Pretend to be a Stealth bomber. Make airplane noises. Make machine gun sounds. Drop bombs. Mime wings. Tell your roommate, "You can't see me" 82. Drink Blood. 83. Eat a candy bar with the wrapper still on. 84. Constantly adjust the thermostat. 85. Sleep in the closet. 86. Turn all furniture in the room upside down. When your roommate asks what happened, say, "It fell". 87. Do your homework in the nude. 88. Spin in place. Sometimes, spin only your head, being sure to go 360 degrees around. 89. Have your ears surgically turned around backwards. 90. Change your name. Refuse to respond to the old one. Make him/her guess what the new one is. 91. Hold seances. Exhibit paranormal powers. 92. Sing the Islamic call to prayer five times daily. 93. Display a bust of Nietsche. 94. Have a cookout. Indoors. 95. Keep telling them the same joke. Never reach the punchline. 96. Put a welcome mat at your bedside. 97. Subscribe to radical magazines. Make sure they contradict one another. For example, "The Advocate" and "the Moral Majoritarian". 98. Wear Makeup (if male). Shave your face (if female). 99. Repeat each sentence as many times as there are words in the sentence. Accent a different word each time around. 100. Explode.