YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF:

You ever cut your grass and found a car.

You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her butt.

You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

You've ever sprayed painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."

You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.

Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.

Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."

Birds are attracted to your beard.

Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

You clean your fingernails with a stick.

Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom floor.

You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.

You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

The dogcatcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

You've ever bought a used cap.

Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

You've ever financed a tattoo.

You've ever stolen toilet paper.

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

People hear your car a long time before they see it.

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

Your pocketknife often doubles as a toothpick.

You own a denim leisure suit.

Your family tree does not fork.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call...."

You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.

Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.

Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.

All of your four letter words are two syllables.

You cut your toenails in front of company.

You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You have grease under your toenails.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper

You think Achy Breaky Heart was the best song ever made.

If you still think eight tracks are the latest and greatest thing.