Quotes

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the 
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?" 
 --Robin Williams 

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat 
it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they 
should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and 
before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." 
 --Bob Ettinger 
 
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say 
because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother 
is attractive, but I have photographs of her." 
 --Ellen DeGeneres 
 
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's 
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my 
sister's house and ask her for money." 
 --Kevin Meaney 
 
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. 
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. 
Now I'll have to kill you too." 
 --Jake Johansen 
 
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." 
 --Dick Cavett 
 
"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." 
 --Garry Shandling 
 
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." 
 --Rita Rudner 
 
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video 
camera and come help me." 
 --Bobcat Goldthwait 
 
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least 
they can find Kuwait." 
 --A. Whitney Brown 
 
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." 
 --Michael McShane 
 
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. 
I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is 
that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" 
 --Jon Stewart 
 
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake 
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, 
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' 
 --Paula Poundstone 
 
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a 
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall 
people burn slower?" 
 --Warren Hutcherson 
 
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the 
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be 
like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." 
 --Jack Mayberry 
 
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every 
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking 
the locks, they are always locking three." 
 --Elayne Boosler 
 
"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on 
myself." 
 --Judy Tenuta 
 
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabetsoup?" 
 --John Mendoza 
 
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a 
second." 
 --Steven Wright 
 
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal 
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." 
 --Conan O'Brien 
 
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and 
they would only play with each other." 
 --Rita Rudner 
 
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the 
pumpkin." 
 --Winston Spear 
 
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span 
and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought 
a congressman." 
 
 --Bruce Baum 
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. 
That's why you should never date a baseball player." 
 --Marsha Warfield 
 
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use 
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may 
be. 
But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We 
aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners." 
 --Jeff Stilson 
 
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think 
that's how dogs spend their lives." 
 --Sue Murphy 
 
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is 
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best 
friends. If they are okay, then it's you." 
 --Rita Mae Brown 
 
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. 
One day, he took me aside and left me there." 
 --Ron Richards