THE INSURANCE CLAIM The following are actual reports from insurance claims relating to motor vehicle accidents: Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree which I didn't have. I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand through it. I collided with a stationary lorry coming the other way. A van backed through my windscreen into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. He was all over the road and I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a tree. I has been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat I found that I had a fractured skull. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the bonnet of my car. The indirect cause of the accident was the little chap in a small car with a moustache. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some cows. The telephone pole was approaching fast and I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my car. I was on the way to the doctor when my rear end gave way, causing me to have an accident. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced over at mother-in-law and drove into the river. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. C I T Y O F S H E F F I E LD Metropolitan District GENUINE EXTRACTS OF LETTERS TO COUNCIL OFFICES: I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door throwing their balls on the roof. This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door. The toilet is cracked, where do I stand? I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall. I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 0ur lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done, as my wife is about to become an expectant mother. I want some repairs doing to my cooker, as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. Will you please send someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife tripped and fell over and she is now pregnant. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you send someone to do something about it? Could you please repair our toilet, as my son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head. Will you please send a man to look at my water as it is a funny colour and is not fit to drink. Could you please send a man to repair my spout, I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away. I awoke this morning and found my water boiling. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get BBC2